The New Teachers
by PersonWhoWritesStuff
Summary: All of the teachers at Hogwarts are replaced with characters from the Office. What mischeif this will cause! The original is probably right under this one since there are few fics that are office/harry potter crossovers, so don't read that one.
1. The Letter

This was a story on my old account, but I decided to move all those stories to this account.

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It was the summer before Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger's fifth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. One day, some very strange letters, bearing some very strange news, went out to every single student currently attending Hogwarts:

Dear Student and Parent/Guardian:

We feel it would be necessary to inform you that, due to unusual circumstances, every current faculty member working at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry has been replaced, and will not be working at the school for the entire year. We apologize for any inconveniences this has brought upon. The new headmaster's name is Michael Scott.

Thank you for your understanding,

Mafalda Hopkirk

Harry stood in his room, in number 12 Grimmauld Place, staring dumbfounded-ly at the letter, his best friend, Ron, doing exactly the same.

Finally, the speechless silence was broken by their other friend, Hermione, bursting into the room, "Did you . . ?" she asked, holding up her copy of the letter.

The other two nodded, their mouths still hung open in shock.

Then Ron's siblings, and their other friends, Fred, George, and Ginny, all burst in the room.

"Have you read this letter!" Fred burst out.

The three of them nodded.

"Do you think it could be, like, a joke, or something?" Ron asked, nervously.

"I dunno," Hermione breathed, "I suppose we'll find out eventually, though."

"Who is this Michael Scott, anyway?" George asked, "I mean, have any of you ever heard of him?"

"No." Ron and Harry answered, as the others shook their heads.

They all stood there silent, looking at each other, until Ginny finally opened her mouth, "Mum!" and she turned and ran out of the room, the others close behind her.

When they all got downstairs, Mrs. Weasley was cooking dinner.

"What is it?" she asked, looking at their distraught faces.

"Have you read this letter!" George said, handing his mum the letter.

Her eyes ran over it and she said, "Oh, yes, I heard."

"So it's true, then?" Ron asked, "No one we know will be at the school!"

"I'm afraid so," Mrs. Weasley said, understandingly, "Dumbledore thought it would be best if he handed over the entire staff to work for the ministry for the year, so Fudge would dismiss his theories of Dumbledore building an army. It would be impossible for him to turn the students against the ministry, if he was nowhere near the students, and working for the ministry, you see."

"But what about this Michael Scott guy?" Ginny asked, "Who's he? And who'll be the rest of the teachers?"

"Oh, not just the teachers, dear," Mrs. Weasley corrected her, "the entire staff, the caretaker, the librarian, everyone. All of the new staff members were working in the same office before they all got these jobs. I don't think anyone's heard of this Michael Scott. But don't worry, he was chosen by Dumbledore, and screened by the ministry, so if he was good enough for both of them, he'll probably be a good headmaster."

"I sure hope so." Ron said, but the expression on his face said that he was very unsure.

Later, when the six teenagers were together in Ron and Harry's room, they discussed the new staff and new headmaster.

"Do you really think this Michael Scott person will be a good headmaster?" Hermione asked.

"Well," Harry answered, "he couldn't possibly be as good as Dumbledore."

"I'm just glad these people won't be a bunch of blokes from the ministry," Ron commented.

"Yeah," Fred agreed, "I suppose anything's better than that."

"But isn't it just a little weird that they all came from the same office?" Ginny said, "I mean, an entire office in a paper company, in a small town across the ocean, all of them happen to be wizards, and all of them decide suddenly to Europe, all accepting jobs at the same place? It's just . . . weird."

"Yeah, but you heard mum," George said, "The paper company was founded by wizards, and they only hired wizards. When their branch of the paper company closed [A/N: Knock on wood] they all needed jobs at the same time, so Dumbledore invited them all to work at Hogwarts, and they all accepted. It is a bit strange, yes, but there's really nothing we can do about it."

The last few days before they left for Hogwarts, all any of them could think of was what the new teachers would be like. Fred and George kept trying to think of the positive: no more Snape or Filch, but the negative would stare them in the face: no more Dumbledore or Hagrid. They also didn't know if the new teachers would be much better than Filch or Snape.

Because of the new teachers, Ron and Harry decided to take all the same classes as Hermione, so they could face the new teachers together, and this included taking Arithmancy and Muggle Studies. Hermione, in turn, decided to go back to divination and Care of Magical Creatures, with Ron and Harry.

When the fateful day finally came, they all found themselves at Kings Cross Station, almost afraid to board the train.

When they eventually did say their good-byes and get on, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny found themselves in a compartment with their other friend, Neville Longbottom, and a girl, who only Ginny had met before, and who seemed very odd, named Luna Lovegood.

The chatter on the train had been very wild and all about the new teachers.

"My father reckons they'll all be a bunch of oafs, since they were picked by Dumbledore," they heard Draco Malfoy, a nemesis to Harry and his friends, say very loudly.

They ignored him this time, for, though they trusted Dumbledore's judgment, they didn't know for sure the staff members would not be oafs.

They also heard a rumor that the new teachers would all be trolls. Something made them suspect Fred and George were behind this rumor.

When the train stopped, every single student got out nervously and very slowly. When they did get out, they heard a voice yell, "First years this way!" and, though they knew it wouldn't be, they were still a bit disappointed the voice wasn't Hagrid's.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione couldn't tell much about the man, since they were sort of far away and it was dark out, except that he was old, bald, had no facial hair, was much thinner than Hagrid, and not nearly as tall. Because of his American accent, they guessed he was one of the workers from the paper company.

They all turned and headed to the carriages that took them up to the castle, having no idea what to expect.

When they walked into the Great Hall, the first thing they noticed was the man sitting in the chair they normally saw Dumbledore sitting in. he was not wearing normal wizard robes, but instead a muggle business suit. His hair was dark brown and combed. He was much younger than Dumbledore. He also had a big, excited, and somewhat goofy grin plastered to his face.

When they were all sitting down, the front doors opened, and a noticeably pretty woman, with curly reddish-blonde hair, who was also wearing muggle clothes, a maroon pencil skirt and a light pink and white striped blouse, strode in, carrying the sorting hat, about fifty eleven year olds following her.

During the sorting, they noticed that the woman also had an American accent.

When the sorting was finally over, and the American witch had taken her seat next to the man in the headmaster's chair, that man stood up, the same smile still on his face.

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heres my impression of andy doing an impression of a baby: pwease weview! :]


	2. Michael Scott

"Uh, Hello," he said, with a voice that told everyone that he didn't really have a speech prepared, but knew he wanted to say something, "You probably all know who I am. Your new temporary headmaster, Michael Scott . . ." then he made a face as if something just dawned on him, "But, in a way, I will be your permanent headmaster, and let me tell you why," he held a finger up, and made a serious face, "I am sure that after you have gotten to know me, I will permanently be in all of your hearts, and-"

He was cut off by the man on the other side of him coughing loudly.

Michael turned to that man, and smiled again, "Oh, I almost forgot," he turned back to the students, "This is a ministry official. He's going to be staying at the school for a few weeks to see how the new teachers are doing, and he is also my very best friend-"

The man stood up abruptly at that, and quickly said, "thank you, Michael."

This man was short and younger than Michael, and his hair was messier. He was not smiling, and looked as though he'd very much rather be somewhere else, "Hello, my name is Ryan Howard, and I would first of all like to thank all of you for being so mature about the replacement of all of your teachers. As Michael-I mean Professor Scott-said, I **will **only be here for a few weeks, and it's just to make sure this place is getting off to a good start. And if any of you should have any comments or complaints, you can speak to me about that. Thank you." And he sat down.

"Okay, well that's about it, so you can all enjoy your feast now," then in a funny voice he said, "rub a dub dub, bring on the grub-" then he abruptly stopped smiling and glared toward the doors of the great hall, "What do you want, Toby?" he said in a harsh voice.

Everyone turned to look at the doors.

There, standing where Filch usually stood during the first dinner back, was a man with a receding hairline of reddish-blonde hair, a very tired face, and beady, tired-looking eyes. His hand was in the air, "I just want to remind everyone that the dark forest is off limits-" he said, in a calm, monotone voice.

"That is just like you, Toby," Michael scolded, "always ruining everybody's fun!"

"The woods are dangerous," Toby tried to reason, "children shouldn't be going near them."

"You know what, Toby? If the woods were so dangerous, then why would the school have been built right next to them?"

Toby had no response to this, so he just sighed and looked away.

Michael smiled, satisfied, "Alright, now you can enjoy your **Fancy Feast**!" As he laughed at his own joke, food appeared before every student.

Everyone began digging in, momentarily forgetting the insanity that just barely played out in front of them.

When they each had enough food, Ron, Harry, and Hermione all looked at each other.

Ron was the first to speak, "I like him."

"Are you kidding?" Hermione said, shocked, "He seems like an incompetent moron! Besides, did you see the way he was scolding that Toby, for just trying to tell us not to go near the dark forest!"

"Well, yeah," Ron agreed, getting what she meant, "But he seems like the type of person that would let us get away with anything . . ."

"He reminds me of Lockhart," Harry said, "I'm actually surprised you don't have a bit of a thing for this guy, Hermione . . ."

Ron snorted, but Hermione glared at him.

"Only joking," he said defensively, "but don't you see it? He has sort of the same air, like he thinks he'll be the 'fun, cool' teacher, which Lockhart had."

"Yeah, I can see that," Ron agreed, as he looked up and saw Professor Scott laugh animatedly at, what they assumed was, another one of his own jokes."

As the feast ended, everyone went up to their common rooms, the subject of all the conversations still about all the new faces. "I think that man from the ministry was very good looking," Harry heard Lavender Brown say with a giggle, "It's obvious that Professor Scott fancied the woman sitting next to him," he heard Dean Thomas say.

Later that night, when Harry was lying in bed, his very last thought, before he drifted into a deep sleep, was **this is going to be a very interesting year . . .**

hope you think i got down the personality of the office characters :3

please review!


	3. Potions and Party Planning

The next day at breakfast, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were all anticipating what would happen in their classes.

"You know the man from the ministry?" Harry said, "I heard Lavender say he was good looking."

Ron looked up at the man at the head table, "That's gross," he said, "He's like 30! That's twice our age . . ." then he looked at Hermione, "What do you think?"

"What does my opinion matter?" she said, obviously avoiding the question.

"Well, you're a girl," Ron explained, "Do you think he's good looking?"

"Well, yeah. He is quite good looking," she answered honestly, "But it's not like I'm going to try to flirt with him or anything. Maybe if I were 30 . . ." when Ron looked at her like she was crazy, she said, "Oh come one, look at that woman, and tell me you don't think she's attractive." She pointed to a woman sitting near the end of the table, dark auburn hair, and a sweet face.

Ron looked at her, and shrugged, "Alright, she's a little attractive . . ."

"See! She's probably 30."

"Whatever," Ron said.

Trying to change the conversation, Harry said, "What do you think she teaches? What do you think any of these people teach?"

They looked at all of the faces at the head table.

"That guy reminds me of Mad-eye," Ron said.

He was looking at a man with glasses, bangs pulled to the sides of his head, a yellow short-sleeve shirt, striped tie, and was giving the entire Great Hall a somewhat suspicious glare.

"Yeah," said Harry, "I can see that. He does look like someone who's expecting a death eater to walk through the door."

"Well then I hope he's not the Defense against the Dark Arts teacher," Hermione said, "Moody shouldn't have been performing Unforgiveable curses on students!"

"Yeah, but remember, Hermione?" Ron said, in a tone of explaining something very simple to someone, "That wasn't Moody. That was some mental lunatic that worshipped You-Know-Who."

"Well I don't care who he was," she said, "As long as the new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher doesn't do anything dangerous, or loony."

"Don't worry," Harry said, "after last year, I'm sure they were very careful picking the teachers this year."

"Speaking of which," Ron said, with a mouth almost full of scrambled eggs, "what's our first class today?"

"Potions," Harry answered, looking at a piece of paper.

Ron shrugged, "Any teacher will be better than Snape."

All of the students walked slowly down to the dungeons, but not as slowly as they had when they were all expecting Snape to be down there. Except for the Slytherins, who were going to miss his favoritism of them.

When they got into the classroom, they saw a man, about in his mid thirties, dressed with a very preppy style, including a brightly colored pink and navy tie, short brown hair, and perfect, straight, white teeth. He was flashing his straight white teeth in a big friendly smile.

"Ah, Hello," he said, with an American accent. "Wel-_come_ to po-_tions_!" he said, making his voice go up and down, kind of in a sing-song way.

Harry and Ron looked at each other. Already he seemed to be Snape's exact opposite, and at this point, they were wondering if this was a good thing.

"My name," the man continued, "is Andy Bernard, but you can all call me," he paused for dramatic effect, "Professor Nard-dog."

Half the students raised their eyebrows, as if they were unsure if he was serious. The Slytherins made faces as if they had lost any hope that this teacher would be anything like Snape.

"Alrighty!" he said, with a smile, "Today, we will be brewing a Wit-Sharpening Potion. Pretty simple." He started writing instructions on the board.

Hermione raised her hand, "Excuse me, professor?"

Andy turned around, and raised his eyebrows, "Professor what?"

Hermione looked at Ron and Harry before answering, "Professor . . . Nard-dog . . ?"

Harry and Ron were doing their best to fight off laughter. Ron even had to hold a hand over his mouth.

"Yes?"

Hermione ignored Ron and Harry, "Isn't a Wit-Sharpening Potion a fourth year level potion?"

Andy furrowed his brow, "I thought this was a fourth year class . . ?"

"No," Hermione answered, "We're fifth years."

"Oh," he said, with a confused expression, going to look in a book on his desk, "right . . . well then," he went to erase the instructions, "then instead, a Draught of Peace. That will also be good for you because _that_ is going to be on your OWLs."

Throughout the potions class, the students quickly learned that they could get away with talking, much more than they could with Snape. Especially since Andy was doing a lot of the talking himself. He mentioned an Ivy League school, Cornell, which he attended, at least three times, and he also sang. He went around to every individual person asking if they needed help, and even after saying no, he insisted they did need help. Except for Hermione. When he got to her table, he looked into her cauldron, smiled at her and said, "Wow, you are really getting this!"

"Um, thank you," Hermione answered, obviously liking the compliment.

Then Andy turned to Ron's cauldron, and made a face, "Whoa! I don't think it's supposed to be that color! Actually, that is the exact opposite of the color it's supposed to be."

Ron looked down at the contents of his cauldron, then looked back up at Andy and raised his eyebrow, "It's red. How does anyone know what the exact opposite of _red _is?"

Andy looked at him like he had lobsters coming out of his ears, "Are you serious? It's blue obviously! Haven't you ever looked at the negatives of pictures?"

Ron's ears turned red, "Uh . . . no . . ?"

Andy shook his head, "Well . . . you should think about doing that sometime, you know? Learn your colors!"

By this point, everyone was watching as the new potions master yelled at Ron about colors, and Ron's ears turned an even darker red with embarrassment.

Eventually Andy took a few deep breaths, calmed down, and said, in a quieter voice, "Okay, tell me exactly what you did, and where it turned red . . ." and everyone went back to their own cauldrons.

Harry, in his mind, compared Andy to Snape. On his first day, Snape got mad at Harry for not knowing stuff about bezoars and wolfsbane. Andy got mad at Ron for not knowing the opposite of red. At least Andy wasn't favoring the Slytherins.

When Andy got to Harry's cauldron, he said, "How's yours coming along, Big Glasses? Hope you don't mind being called that, I give everyone nicknames."

"Uh . . ." Harry answered.

Suddenly Andy's eyes widened and he smiled, as he looked at Harry's forehead, "You're Harry Potter, aren't you?"

"Um, yeah," Harry answered, flustered.

"Well," Andy said, "trust me, I will _not _be forgetting _your _name!"

"So you're going to forget the rest of our names?" Ron muttered, but unfortunately it was loud enough for Andy to hear.

He turned to Ron, eyebrows raised, "You know what, Big Red? You are getting on my last nerve today!"

Ron looked back at Andy, his ears didn't turn red, but he did seem like he mildly regretted saying what he said, "I'm sorry," he mumbled.

All of the Slytherins, and a few Ravenclaws, smirked.

Andy, his eyes still wide, nodded, "Yeah! And . . . let that be a warning to you! Next time you might lose points for your house!"

Everyone then made a confused face; they were not used to a potions teacher that would just let them off with a warning. If it had been Snape, Ron surely would have gotten detention.

Though he was obviously crazy, maybe this new teacher wouldn't be so bad.

*************************************************************************During the half hour lunch period, Michael forced Angela, Pam, Meredith, and Phyllis into the staff room, for the first Party Planning Committee meeting of the year.

As they all sat down, Pam said, "Michael, what could we possibly have coming up, that needs a party to be planned for it?"

"Uh, Halloween, Pam," Michael said in a voice that suggested it was the most obvious thing in the world, "Do you want to go out and tell all of those children that their Halloween party is going to suck because Pam didn't want to miss her lunch!"

Pam took a deep breath in, and answered, "I'm sure we can still have a good party, even if it's not planned two months ahead . . ."

"I know, but this is my first year as headmaster-"

"_Only_," Angela reminded him, "year as headmaster."

Michael ignored her, "And I really want to . . . _knock_ their _socks_ off, with the parties; I want their _minds_ to be _blown_ . . ."

"Okay . . ." Pam said, "What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking," he answered, "we could try a school-wide Time Warp, in the Great Hall."

"_Time Warp_?" Phyllis asked, "Like from _Rocky Horror Picture Show_?"

"Michael," Pam said patiently, "I don't think any of these students have ever seen that movie . . . in fact, I don't think half of them even know what a movie is . . ."

"_What_? Pam, are you crazy? These are teenagers! And we're in Scotland, not the . . . Slums of India . . . Of course they know what a movie is!"

"Yeah, but remember, Michael? Witches and wizards in Europe don't use muggle inventions, or wear muggle clothing. They don't even talk to muggles that much."

"Wait- what!" Michael said, with a very confused face, "Wait, was YouTube invented by Wizards?"

"No, that was invented by muggles. Just like the computer, and TV, and all movies," Pam explained.

Michael made a disgusted face, "God, how do these people live without YouTube! You know what? That's what we need to do! We need to introduce these kids to YouTube!"

"Michael, the time we spend with these kids need to be spent_ teaching_ them," Angela argued, "_Not _introducing them to useless, time-wasting websites!" she lifted her hands, palms up, for emphasis, "In fact, I think we could all be spending our time more wisely right now!"

"Oh, yeah! Like doing what!"

"Like_ preparing_ for my afternoon classes!"

"Oh yeah!" Michael said, "And what do you teach? Arithmancy? Yeah, trust me, Angela, no one's going to be paying any attention in that class!"

"Okay, Michael? Let's just calm down," Pam said patiently, "how about we meet a week from now? So we can get used to the classes and schedules, and then we could also get to know the students, and maybe get some ideas for the Halloween party? Besides, Angela and I really do need to prepare for our afternoon classes."

Michael sighed deeply, with a very drawn out groan, "Alright, how 'bout this: you and Angela go prepare for your stupid _classes_, and Meredith and Phyllis will stay here, then in a week, you two will join them-"

"Oh, Michael," Phyllis said, "I don't think I'll be able to be away from the hospital wing for a lot of time; what if someone gets hurt?"

"Yeah," Meredith agreed, "And what if someone . . . needs a book . . ?"

"Alright, Phyllis, no one is going to get _hurt_ on the _first day_ of school; and if they do, they are faking." Michael said matter-of-factly.

Pam and Angela left by this point, Angela to prepare for Arithmancy, and Pam to actually go find Jim, and have lunch with him.


End file.
